jokes

Traffic congestion can be confusing. Recently Irving Allen was driving along a crowded expressway when his car phone rang. He picked up and his wife said to him, “Irving, be careful! I just heard on the radio that some idiot is driving the wrong way on the same expressway you’re on.” “That’s right,” said Irving, “but it isn’t just one guy going the wrong way — they’re are hundreds of them!”

Four expectant fathers are pacing the floor in the waiting room of the Maternity Ward in a Minneapolis hospital. Then a nurse rushes in and says to the first man, “Congratulations, your wife just gave birth to twins!” He said, “What a coincidence — I play second base for the Minnesota Twins.” Suddenly another nurse rushes in an says to a second father, “Guess what — you are now the father of triplets!” “Amazing,” says the father, “I work for the 3M company.” A third nurse enters and says to the next man, “You have just become the proud papa of quadruplets!” “This is getting eerie,” he said, “I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.” Upon hearing that, the fourth father fainted dead away. When they revived him, he moaned, “I knew I shouldn’t have taken that job with Seven-Eleven!”
It takes time to amass capital, as my own experience shows. When I was just a kid, I used to play a popular game called “Spin the bottle.” Perhaps it was before your time, but in this game, a girl spins a coke bottle, and when it points at a boy who is playing, she has to either kiss him or pay him a nickle. I played this game a whole lot when I was young, with the unexpected result that, by the age of 14, I owned my own home.
A confirmed Catholic who had a reputation for fast living was on his death bed, so the local priest came to give him the last sacrament. As part of the ceremony, the priest said to the dying man, “Do you renounce Satan?” There was no answer. The priest said again, “Do you renounce Satan?” After a long pause, the dying man said, “Now wait a minute, Father — I’m not sure where I’m going, and this is no time to be making enemies!”
A rookie ballplayer is trying out in right field at a major league spring training camp. He misses the first three fly balls hit to him. The coach calls him over and says, “You’re terrible! You can’t catch anything!” The rookie says, “Oh yeah, well if you’re so good – let’s see you try a few balls.” He hands the coach his glove. The coach says, “Sure, I’ll show you.” But the coach also misses the first three balls hit to him. He comes back over to the rookie, throws his glove down on the ground, and shouts: “You’ve got right field so screwed up, nobody can play it!